


Flashback

by Falathren



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:23:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falathren/pseuds/Falathren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan is hurting. He fears he has lost Shepard again. When James finds him alone in the Captain's Cabin, he sits down next to him, although he has no idea how to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flashback

A few hours after they had crash-landed on that deserted garden planet Kaidan had disappeared from the Med Bay. Dr. Chakwas had been treating some injured crew members at the CIC, so she hadn’t noticed the disappearance of her patient. She believed him to be soundly asleep, after suffering a heavy concussion on Earth. After all, she had given him quite some pain killers, the kind that made you dozy.

But James had a certain feeling that made him check in on Kaidan once more. A minute later he stood dumbfounded in the deserted Med Bay. Chewing on his lower lip he wondered where the other man was. James had just come down from the CIC and hadn’t seen Kaidan there.

Had he gone to the observation deck? An uneasy feeling settled into James’s stomach. Something told him that he wouldn’t find Kaidan there. Still, he decided to check there first. With big steps he hurried towards the observation deck and cursed when he found the door leading into the room out of order.

Although it was obvious by now that Kaidan wouldn’t be inside, he still felt the urge to check. Pushing the door aside was hard work, even for someone like James. It would be impossible for an injured person like Kaidan to make it through the door and James wondered why he had decided to check there. The answer was simple. He usually thought about such things after taking action.

Exhaling deeply he looked around the room. Books and datapads lay scattered around the room.There was no sign of their Major.

James took a few extra seconds. The uneasy feeling became stronger. A part of him knew now where he would find Kaidan and suddenly he was afraid. James wondered in what state he would find him.

Would he be able to help him?

For a brief second he thought about just returning to the CIC and let someone else pick up the shards. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with all the emotions and hurting Kaidan was now most likely going through. He had to be hurting. Because Shepard wasn’t with them. Because they had abandoned her on Earth.

What could James possibly say to Kaidan that would soothe him?

Maybe he could get someone else to check on him. He sighed and walked towards the elevator.

Already he was feeling guilty. He and Kaidan had become friends in the last weeks and you don’t turn your back on a friend. It wasn’t easy for James, because he feared for Shepard as well. But now he had to worry about Kaidan first.

James swallowed against the lump in his throat.

_To hell with all this._

He entered the elevator and pushed the button on the very top of the panel.

A few seconds later he was standing in front of the Captain’s Cabin. Nervously he chewed on his lips. The door was open, but James couldn’t make out any sound from within. Slowly he stepped into the dark room with a heavy beating heart.

The aquarium was broken and the floor was flooded with water and dead fish. Under his breath James cursed and carefully made his way further into the Cabin. Because of the darkness he could hardly see anything. The only light came from the little hallway.

“Kaidan? Are you here?”

There was some rustling which lead James towards the bed. There he found Kaidan, lying still on his back with his arms wrapped tightly around a pillow in front of him. He didn’t say anything, nor did he do anything else to indicate that he recognized James’s presence.

Without thinking about it, James sat down at the other end of the bed. “What’s going here? What are you doing?”

A long silence followed. Only the water from the broken aquarium made some noise. Some drops still dripped out of it and splashed down on the tiles.  

Additionally James could hear Kaidan breathe heavily, obviously trying to suppress any noise indicating crying.

James remained quiet, not wanting to push the other man. If Kaidan needed time to compose himself, he should have it.

After a few seconds the Major’s voice finally cut through the silence. “Please leave me.”

His voice was firm and somehow cold. It sent a shiver through James and he wasn’t sure what to do next. Hell, he wasn’t good with the whole comforting thing, but he wasn’t going to leave either. Feverishly he thought about what to do next.

On a sudden impulse he extended a hand and reached for Kaidan’s shoulder. It felt awkward and intrusive to do so, but he squeezed it anyway. He noticed how Kaidan’s body was trembling and his own heart sank.

A flashback played in his mind. It hadn’t even been a year when he had found himself in a similar situation. When another dear friend had lost the person he loved.

He remembered all too well how he had found the trembling, hunched figure of Steve in a small, cold room at the Alliance HQ in Vancouver. The room had been brightly lit then, and he had been able to see the pain on Steve’s face clearly. He had been alone there for more than a few hours and no one had cared to look after him. But James had gathered all his courage and walked into the room. Sitting down close to his friend, he had started by placing a hand on his shoulder and then watched Steve fall apart next to him. He had tried his best to hold him then and swallowed his own anger against the Collectors, and against every other person in the Alliance building that hadn’t cared to help Steve. Somehow, however, James had managed to calm him and guide him through the loss of his husband. Ever since James had hoped to never find himself in such a situation again.

Yet here he was now.

If only he could think about what he had done right that time with Steve. Maybe then he would be able to help Kaidan as well. Right now, however, he felt helpless and couldn’t come up with anything helpful to say or do.

He squeezed the shoulder again, feeling like an idiot. “Hey.”

Kaidan tried to shrug him off, but then he sat up and leaned against the bed-head. “I’m sorry, James. I just need some time.”

“I think you need more than just time.” James’s voice was trembling slightly as he said so. A bitter laugh answered him. He watched Kaidan pull up his knees and place his forehead on top of them. Was he crying? James couldn’t tell, but he moved a little closer to Kaidan. He was at a loss again, but he wanted to help Kaidan, not only for Shepard’s sake.

For a few seconds James thought about the first time he had seen Kaidan and Shepard together. At first he had stupidly wondered how the Major knew Shepard, ignorant to the fact that he had been part of her crew on the original Normandy. Later on he thought how silly he had been then. It was obvious that they knew each other very well.

James thought of them as rather cute. Later on he had started to understand vaguely that the two of them truly depend on each other.

“You know, there is still hope.” It was a stupid thing to say, but there wasn’t anything else James could come up with. The next instance he regretted it, because he felt Kaidan tremble heavily again.

“I’ve lost her twice now. I cannot…” Kaidan’s voice was pleading and desperate. This time James could hear him sob. Apparently Kaidan couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

Silently James cursed and wished he could think of anything to soothe Kaidan. The only thing he could come up with was moving closer to Kaidan and putting his arm over both of Kaidan’s shoulder. He tugged at them slightly, and was a little bit surprised that Kaidan actually followed the invitation and leaned closer.

The other man was biting his lip, yet the heavy sobs wouldn’t stop.

James waited. At this point it was all he could do. Wait, and remind Kaidan that he wasn’t alone in his pain.

From time to time James felt a small tickle on his arms. Kaidan was having difficulties keeping his biotics under control. They flared up every now and then. James could even see a dim, blue light around Kaidan’s body.

Minutes went by until the Kaidan started to calm down. He was still breathing irregularly, but he pushed away from James and rubbed his temples.

James decided to try again. “I don’t think we’ve lost her yet.”

Kaidan shrugged slightly, but didn’t reply.

“Hell, at this point we know nothing.” James found some confidence in his own words and realized that it made him more convincing. “When we’re back on Earth, she’ll be waiting for us. I’m sure of it.”

“You can’t be. She… when she left, I could see it in her eyes. She knew she would die. She knew it.” Kaidan was clenching the pillow with his hands.

“Kaidan, please… let us…” James stumbled over his words and sighed in desperation.

“I’m sorry, James. It’s just so… it hurts so much.”

“I know…” James meant it. Although he hadn’t experienced what Kaidan was going through himself, he had seen Steve hurting just like this. But there was a difference. For Steve there had never been even the slightest hope. His husband had been a victim of the Collectors. But James still saw a chance for Shepard. “Even though it is hard, don’t give up now, Kaidan. She might still be out there. The Reapers are dead. They’re gone. She must have accomplished that and with the Reapers gone, she could still be alive out there.”

Kaidan seemed to be considering these words. He nodded his head slightly and wiped over his eyes. James smiled a little. Somehow he had managed to drag Kaidan back to the surface again.

“And what if…” Before Kaidan could finish his question, James hushed him with a move of his hand.

“We shouldn’t worry about this right now.” Carefully James let go of Kaidan’s shoulders and leaned back. His eyes, once used to the dim light in the cabin, wandered around. Should he say anything else?

But Kaidan’s voice broke the silence again after a few seconds. “I… I love her, you know.”

“Oh, I know.” James laughed a little. “I got eyes in my head after all.”

Now Kaidan gave a small gasp that could pass as a laugh.

“Besides, you two weren’t nearly as discreet as you thought you were.” Shaking his head James looked at Kaidan again. He was still hugging the pillow, but seemed to be a little more relaxed. “How did you two… I mean… how did you end up a couple?”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow and looked surprised at James, but he didn’t seem to be offended by the question. It was something James had always wanted to know. He had never dared to ask anyone about it, though. Yet now the question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. “I’m sorry, don’t want to be rude… forget I said anything.”

This time Kaidan actually laughed and slightly let go of the pillow he was clenching. “You know, I sort of understand now why she likes you.”

James felt a little bit embarrassed and looked away, cursing his own insolence. When he heard Kaidan clear his throat, he turned his head again. Kaidan started to talk hesitantly, his voice sounding a little sore from exhaustion. He told James how he had met Shepard, and how they had been drawn to each other. With each word he was seemingly becoming more self-confident, and at some point he even put the pillow away. 

James watched him intently and felt at the same time embarrassed to hear Kaidan’s story and relieved that other man was starting to feel better. When Kaidan had ended, James clapped him on the shoulder. “Lola’s a great woman.”

Kaidan smiled warmly and nodded. “She is.” His face darkened a little after that. “And I miss her already.”  

“I miss her, too.” James moved towards the edge of the bed and stood. “But we have to keep going now. Find a way to bring the Normandy back to Earth. And then we’ll find her.”

Kaidan craned his head little and looked at James. For a brief moment he did nothing except watching James. The other man was starting to feel a bit awkward, but then he saw Kaidan smile again. He got out of the bed and stood next to James. “Yeah, we have to take care of the crew first.”

Kaidan walked passed James and looked wearily at the wet floor. “And we have to clean up this mess.” A heavy sigh followed and for a second James feared Kaidan would break down again.

But he didn’t. Instead he continued towards the elevator.

James followed him quickly, and together they rode down to the CIC. When the doors opened Kaidan was the first to step through. He took an audible breath and faced James once more. “Thank you for pulling me up again, James.”

James crossed his arms in front of him, while watching Kaidan make his way towards the helm. His heart felt suddenly a lot lighter and he set to help the crew clean up the CIC.

~~~

Two days later he found Kaidan again in the Captain’s Cabin. He was sorting through the files on Shepard’s desk and didn’t seem to notice James.

Before they had held a little memorial service and James wanted to make sure Kaidan was alright. He was a bit surprised to find him busy and focused on his work.

The plate with Shepard’s name was lying on the floor next to the desk. James took it up and marveled at it.

His move caught Kaidan’s attention, who turned around and looked at James with questioning eyes.

“Why didn’t you put it up?” It was something James still didn’t understand, but he hadn’t wanted to question Kaidan in front of the Memorial Wall.

The other man shrugged and grinned a little. “Because it’s wrong to put her name on the Memorial Wall. I mean, I know she is still out there somewhere. I’m certain of it. We just have to make it back and find her.”

**Author's Note:**

> generalvakarian requested this on Tumblr. James comforting Kaidan after the End. I couldn't get the idea out of my head, so I wrote it down. :) Thanks for reading!


End file.
